I am attempting to find the word that most accurately depicts my current mental, spiritual, and emotional state. I would say war, but I do not feel justified to compare my being, enveloped in a plethora of blessings, with gruesome, deadly combat. Someone who loses a loved one is going through a war. Someone who is diagnosed with a terminal illness is going through a war. I am surrounded by loved ones, living comfortably with my husband, with my health intact. This is no war zone.
Perhaps "storm" is a better word.. Granted, the reason I even seek for the perfect descriptor is because words such as these portray turmoil in such a cliché manner."War," "storm," "rollercoaster" -- all words that we so commonly use to explain difficult moments in life. I want to more accurately pin-point a word with which I can associate my own stage of tumultuousness.
On one hand, I find myself discrediting my current state as being silly, foolish, dramatic, and simply, "no big deal." But I am concerned there is a danger in that. While perhaps some of the emotions associated with this low period in my life are aggravated by female hormones, my underlying dramatic personality, etc., there is indeed some root issue, or rather, issues, that would be detrimental to continue to ignore. Thus, what I believe to me most beneficial is a critical examination of my life that requires pulling away the layers of silly, outlandish intuitions while maintaining the integrity off the core issues.
"Canker sore." Maybe that is a better description. Well, at least when compared to the canker sores I tend to get. A canker sore starts out almost unnoticed. You run your tongue across the site of the infection but your brain registers no pain. It feels perhaps warm & a little sensitive, but definitely not painful. So even though you could identify that a sore is brewing under the skin, you choose to ignore it because it posses no immediate threat to your current state of comfort and well-being. But as that sore begins to grow & the infection deepens you become more aware of the nasty bugger, & every time your tongue passes over it or you chew food, the canker sore throbs a little more with pain. Eventually, the discomfort becomes so intense it is near impossible to go five minutes without thinking about it. Only when you sleep do you experience relief. But not 30 seconds after waking up does the reality hit you once again that this miserable pest is residing in your mouth.
This is how a canker sore most adequately describes what I am gong through. As uncomfortable as it may be, a canker sore is just a topical wound. It is not cancerous. It does not prevent me from performing routine functions. And only I can really notice it. But just like a paper cut, it feels as though no other ailment could hurt more. In reality, there is pain that far surpasses a little canker sore. Nonetheless, the sore is nuisance, a source of discomfort, and I am constantly wondering how long before it will go away & what I can do to make it better. And although it doesn't impair my ability to continue on with life, it does hinder certain functions such as eating hot foods or, when it gets particularly large, talking without it getting in the way. In other words, I recognize that my current state of being is not completely broken or bruised or sick. Nor is it in top shape. There is a "canker sore" of issues which have become too uncomfortable, even too painful, to ignore any longer. And while there are things I can do to progress the healing process, they as well are no free ticket to a resolution. Like salt water on a sore, it does good for the cleaning and healing of the wound, but it certainly has its painful side effects as well.
Well, I guess the first step to recovery is identifying the problem: there is a canker sore in my brain. I suppose the one failure in my analogy is absence of a true solution. Meaning, while I can assist in the healing of a canker sore, realistically, it must heal itself. Incomparably so, my "canker sore" is something that will only go away with proactive treatment. The discomfort will only go away when I choose to make it so. Unfortunately, unlike a real canker sore, getting rid of this infection of sorts is not as straight forward. In fact, the measures necessary for recovery are completely foreign to me. But there are resources out there and it must make use of the them.
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