thankfulness. patience.

Tonight I cried. Over a silly order I made online, a pot rack for our apartment. Clearly, I am in a pathetic state of mind as of present.

What it is that gets me here and how it is that I can overcome it is both difficult for me to identify as well as a subject I regularly attempt to evade. But it is a terrible (and, perhaps, even destructive) cycle that needs to find a break. I feel overwhelmed by the tasks placed before me and thus I take the low road, passing off the responsibilities til another time. But because I have wasted my time and expended my energy on less important things, I am disappointed in myself. This disappointment leads to a lack of complacency, the complacency interferes with my will to be productive, once again I am disappointed in myself, and the cycle continues.

Honestly, I live with few consequences if I choose to do what I want rather than what I should. And perhaps that's what makes those "should do" tasks seems so menial. And yet, to jump to the other end of the spectrum, I don't necessarily seek out a meaningful lifestyle. I'm not driven (like I imagined I would be at this stage in my life) to "make a difference" or "be somebody," I'm drab, it seems.

Actually, to make things worse, at times I feel revved up, ready to accomplish something. And yet, so quickly, that passion can be snuffed out. And I've come to be accustomed to that... And I think that's a scary thing.

I've become an avid reader of home and crafting blogs. For hours I can spend reading through the ideas of others, such creative and innovative DIY projects, design ideas, and countless pictures of perfect homes. But when I close the web browser, a funny thing happens -- I notice I am irritated. It's only after many times of encountering this mood shift that I am now able to identify what causes it. I want those perfect rooms and design ideas and crafting skills. I want to have the perfect kitchen and the perfect apron to go with my perfect outfit. Laugh-out-loud ridiculousness, to say the least, I know. I could list off any and all the justifications for why that is utterly silly. And yet I still play the fool almost every time.

I want to live constantly thankful for what I have and patient for what could be, but only in the proper timing. I guess that's key right now: patience. I want the perfect home right this instant. In fact, I just want to skip living in this apartment altogether and move right into our dream home, complete with a wrap-around porch and vegetable garden. But I know I will drive myself crazy if I keep living that way. 'Cause all the dreaming and wishing won't make it happen.

Thankfulness. Patience. Thankfulness. Patience. Thankfulness. Patience.